This was a crazy spring break. It was supposed to be a super catch up week for school work, but I allowed other things to get in the way. Don't get me wrong; I got some work done. I just didn't get %100 all caught up. This next going to be so good; I'm so excited to have these lessons done. Anyways, let me tell you of my springtime adventures.
3/21 (Monday)
I woke up at grandpa Seable's house. Dad left me there while I was talking to Ceana via cell phone in g-ma's back room. I guess he heard me mention that I wanted to stay for the night in some of the conversation and just decided to go. This morning I spent some good quiet time doing schoolwork on g-ma's laptop. I love being able to take school everywhere. Then again, I suppose I can never escape, can I?
I also got to spend some time with my cousins, of course. The Jarvis family decided to go to a local museum today, and I decided to tag along. As it turned out, the museum was closed, and so we went to the local pharmacy for 25 cent phosphates instead. I got some wonderful humble-time walking around in public wearing grandpa's oversized sweats and itchy sweater; it was fun playing hobo for the day. All the same, it was nice when dad dropped off my track clothing for the afternoon.
That's right; an athlete never rests, not even for spring break. There was a skeletal number of the team there today; most of them were off traveling. But we had practice just like any other day.
This evening for family night we got to watch The Secret on Netflix. Whoever thought up this idea made it sound really epic and intense and whatnot. A lady puts together a group of authors, psychologists, and visionaries and they explain the "law of attraction". In other words, they put the concepts of faith and hope into a fancy-smanshy-science-y documentary. It was very very interesting. As it turns out, you attract everything and everyone around you via thoughts, whether you realize it or not. You can have anything you want if you just focus on it and eliminate all negative thoughts concerning it. "Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you..."
For example, if you hope that, "I don't want to be late", you are thinking negatively. You will most likely be late. Whereas is you think "I am on time" as you're waiting in that traffic line, your chances for being on time will dramatically increase only because you are thinking positively! It works, ask Einstein! Or Lincoln, or Beethoven, or Buddha, or Rockefeller... fun psych, indeed.
3/22 (Tuesday)
Today was meant to be another work day, only I got an employment opportunity by noon so I had to cut my quality school time short. The Harmons in our ward are killing, felling, and chopping up some trees on some property they just bought so they can have room on it for the new house they are building out in the woods. I got to come and help for ten bucks an hour. I think that their spot is nice, but it seems rather lonely. I guess no one will be bothering them out there, but I feel like when I'm looking for a place to live, I'm going to find a more social environment. I wonder if there is some way you can get a bomb permit that you could use to level ground and blow away trees on your property; that would save a lot of time for projects like this. I bet Brother Dauge has one or two we could use next time we eradicate trees.
3/23 (Wednesday)
I got a good bit of school done today + a special surprise. Tiernan H, a wonderful classmate of mine from Portland, happened to be down here for Ashland's Shakespeare Festival this week with her grandma. Allie, of course, had to plan a get together. So she called me up a couple of days before and badda bing= we got to spend the morning visiting, listening to music, and playing music at Allie's house. We even got to pester Jacob O on the phone, which led to some pretty interesting conversations. Tiernan is such a character.
This afternoon my father and I went to the cannery in Medford to get our family's food storage all re-stocked. I am so glad we did, but now my room is filled with boxes and cans. Where are we going to put all of this stuff?
3/24 (Thursday)
Today I finally finished the rough draft for the speech I have to do for next week for Government. Nothing else too exciting, other than track and piano lesson. Patience with self is a virtue.
3/25 (Friday) COMMANDO!
That's right, today I got to play commando. I'll tell you more about that in a minute.
This afternoon I got to go to the park to spend some time with the music group again. As it turned out, only the faithful Miranda and the diligent Jessie came. So we didn't have enough people for a band once again, but we got to play music and chat all the same. We'll get the whole group together one of these days, just you wait! After playing at the park for a bit we went to Miranda's house to hang out. While over there we played some pretty intense rounds of chess. As I was challenging Miranda's mom to a game of chess, I explained Education Week to her as an alternative to the now $400+ priced EFY. Both she and Miranda sounded excited about it; I hope she'll be able to come along with us this year!
Later that afternoon, Sister S was informed about a Commando game going on in town tonight. She was told that a group of LDS people decided to put it together, and that Miranda, Jessie, and I were invited. I had never heard of Commando before, but this is what I was told: You start at one point on foot, and then you have to get to another point without getting caught by other players looking for you in cars.
So Jessie and I called our moms to ask for permission. Jessie's mom said no, but mine said yes. And so, at 9 that night, Miranda and I went out to join 40-50 teenagers in this exiting game, beginning at the Denny's on the other side of the town. The end of the commando course was the All Sports Park, right on the opposite side of town. It turned out that it was organized by an LDS kid, but he invited a majority of non-LDS kids. There was smoking and foul language galore. Even a couple of police men showed up, just to see what we were all up to waiting in the parking lot. They told us that Denny's was complaining about us being there, and so we all moved to a different parking lot: McDonalds. It took the leader of the group (I believe his name was Thomas) awhile to find enough kids who wanted to be the drivers and spotters for the drivers. The most memorable line I remember hearing him say was, "EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN. You haven't done anything illegal. Yet." (You're not allowed to run through private property in the game, but I remember hearing Noah had other plans...)
Once we had everything ready someone shouted "go" and the pack dispersed in seconds. It was kind of fun just sprinting and sprinting through the cool night, running and jumping over walls, and actually using the stamina I've been accumulating in distance running for something new. I looked over my shoulder a bit after jumping off of a tall ledge onto parking lot, spotting Miranda. She looked like she had injured herself jumping off of the wall, so I just had to run back and see what was the matter. She rolled her ankle, and was not able to run for the rest of the night. And so we hobbled along for a few more minutes and were caught; I couldn't just leave her there. We were caught at an intersection still in the downtown area, on 5th street I believe. The driver that caught us (Jordan F) flashed his lights and honked the horn while his spotter Noah yelled at us out the window.We piled into the back, and zoom: their search continued. Jordan was driving way to fast in town that night, stopping and turning sharply and abruptly, looking for kids on the run in the night. We found a lot of hobos walking around in the dark. Miranda and I were considering dressing as hobos for this occasion to make avoiding spotters easier, but we ended up using dark clothing instead.
Jordan dropped us off at the All Sports Park, where we waited for the rest of the pack to get there or be captured and taken there. The leader and his small team of 3 made it there first without being caught, and the rest of them were either dragged in or ran into the center of the park victorious. While we were waiting for everyone to come along, we decided to scare people in the dark. We saw two silhouettes in the dark moving towards us from a long distance, so we hid behind a bush, waiting for them to come along. At the right moment, we yelled "RAR!!" and scared two young adult men riding bikes in the middle of the night. The first one freaked out, and then said the F word more than any other person I have ever heard in my life, then raised his hand, as if to strike, but turned out to be a high five. He complimented us for scaring them, then we tried to explain what we were doing out in the park in the middle of the night. Then the capped, foul mouthed man mentioned, just before he was about to leave again, that he would have punched me in the face if Miranda wasn't there. Someone must be watching out for me.
The second couple I scared (Miranda had to go sit down) was two of the commando players, Matt and Sarah. I yelled, he looked surprised, she screamed, ka-ching.
Sooner or later everyone showed up at around 10:15. Some of the drivers and runners were acting pretty rowdy and dangerous; I am so grateful that none of them got hurt riding on top of speeding cars in the park or throwing bananas (that's right, bananas.) at each other like knives.
They were going to have a second round past curfew, but Miranda and I decided to pass it up. She called her mom, she came, picked us up, and dropped me off at my house. I am SO grateful that we got out of that safely; my mom's prayers worked. I don't believe I will be playing commando with that group again. BUT, I think I'll have to use it in a more legal setting for group dates in the future.
When I got home, the kids were excited to show me a surprise. They showed me to the little girl's pink room, and there I found my desk, my bed, Henry's bed, my drawer, my guitar...
I'm so happy; I have a pink room! It's cozier than our family's storage room, that's for sure. The little girls had their beds moved to the classroom. I think I'll be able to work in hear more comfortably; I'm so grateful for such a thoughtful mom.
3/26 (Saturday)
Today I slept in; I fell ill. I felt too tired to do any school, but I was able to help a bit with the cleanup work the family was doing today.
Haley had her 16th birthday party today; that was fun. They did a Twilight trivia, which I knew all about; I read Nightlight, so I knew all of the right answers to the questions. There was food and cake and Haley's most favorite music. Ah, and Savannah F was able to make it there; I haven't seen her in months! It was so good to see her again; it brings such joy to my heart. I miss my seminary friends from town. Candice ("The cowgirl dancer from that talent show a few years ago?" "Oh yeah, that one!") was also there.
3/27 (Sunday)
I am feeling really tired today. But I'm going to just ignore that fact and pretend I'm totally energized this week. In sacrament meeting today Sister Black gave a really good talk about putting Christ first. She mentioned using the Attributes of Christ in the Preach My Gospel book for self improvement, which I remember doing last year. I think I'm going to try that again. The Christ like attribute of the week is Charity, I will be working on this one and studying it all week long and then record how my behavior improves. This is going to be so helpful for me. I love Sister Black!
Parker gave a really good lesson about forgiveness in Priesthood today.
That's pretty much it for this week; now remember the Secret! "I will be able to accomplish my set tasks in all of my responsibilities this week easily!"
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Can't Stop Smiling
I feel really really happy right now. This coming Spring Break is going to be the BOMB: School catch up! It will feel so good to finally be back on track; I'm so excited! Alright, here's the summary for last week.
3/14 (Monday)
I've been using a lot of my schoolwork time lately for two main projects which I have mentioned before: the Mark Twain Writing Style essay and the pro-Virtual School Speech. Doing this plus all of the other things I have on the list (track, scripture study, household chores, breaktime/socializing, piano, guitar, Eagle Project, etc...) has left me very little time for all of my other school assignments. But that's what Spring Break is for for me; to make up for all of that.
Tonight I had the privilege of seeing Haley Peters perform at the Treble Festival at South Medford High School. It's an annual event that is more or less a bunch of teenage women choirs performing all evening long. I got a ride there from Haley's grandparents. SMHS is a VERY new school; it just opened up this year. It looks more like a college, including huge green fields, expensive and fancy looking architecture, and a seriously jacked up choir room. It was amazing.
While looking for the choir room in the huge building, I happened to run into one of my friends from youth conference from last year: Christie Hunt! It was great to see her friendly face once again. Apparently she's giving track a try this year too; she's starting up with javelin throwing. The knowledge I obtained that she would be at the Central Point dance this coming Saturday solidified my intentions: I MUST find a ride!
The choirs mostly did okay, yet quite a few of the members seemed rather sloppy. Haley's grandpa is quite a singer himself; he treated us to his super-western-flavored "You Are My Sunshine" solo on the ride home.
3/15 (Tuesday)
Today I did a lot of future-research. More stuff about colleges and resume building and things like that, partially for my SAT Prep class. I got to do a bit more research/drafting on the Twain project as well. Today is our piano lesson day; I've been slacking in my piano study lately, I admit. I can and will be a better pianist! Even though I accomplished most of the things on my list today, I still was feeling a bit down on myself because I didn't accomplish ALL of the things on my list, when I feel like I could have. Tonight's temple trip helped me get out of my perfectionism again (it's one of those addictions that I have to overcome by relying on the Savior and having faith that I will be delivered from it. I guess all addictive behavior/bad habits/compulsive behavior is like that.)
At the temple tonight, I made sure I brought my notebook. Never go to the temple without a notebook; there is so much personal revelation that you can receive there that you may forget about (especially if you have a mind like mine). The information that I felt prompted to write down is going to be of great use to me as I try and plan out these next few weeks. I testify to whoever is reading this that God DOES hear your prayers, and will answer them if you listen for His answers.
3/16 (Wednesday)
Today I tried a new planning method suggested by Anthony. He said that I should try not only making a well prioritized list, but also to try to set them into my day time (example: 9-10 is for Government, 10-11 is for Geometry, etc.) And that seemed to work pretty well for me this morning.
Today was my very first track meet. It wasn't anything official, it was just a "practice" one we were doing with Rouge River to see what levels of strength we are all at in our different events. I've been loving track so far; it's been such hard work! Something good ought to come from all of this running. Today I only did the 800m run, and I was able to keep up with Annie (Ms. Super Runner) the whole race, and finished it off pretty well for a first timer! I'm excited to see how well I can beat my last time in our next meet. but I hope to be able to do the relay race and javelin throwing at our next meet. I think it'd be fun to give pole vault a try. At least just once; that looks way too fun to pass up.
3/17 (Thursday)
Today was ORCA Cares Day! I got to meet a bunch of students from around here, and Cassidy's family showed up too. We did some path restoration on one of my most favorite parks in town. There were a bunch of little kids there, but each of them were very enthusiastic about helping. It was so cute to see their little arms lifting adult-sized shovels to try to put a bit of the bark into wheelbarrows. Very precious. Watching children work brings such joy to my heart.
After track today I took a long nap. My body is feeling a bit fatigued.
3/18 (Friday)
Another school day and track.
3/19 (Saturday)
Today we drove around begging for donations from various businesses. We were able to get estimates for the prices for everything in my project, and everything is coming along very nicely. The most urgent thing I need to do now is find a lot of volunteers for the day-long car wash fundraiser that we're doing next Saturday. I'm very excited to get this done so I can start really focusing on school again.
There was a dance in Central Point tonight, which I went to. Noah S, Jaden P, and Jared P carpooled with my father and me while also helping pay for gas. It was a wonderful dance. They played a lot of fun music, and I got to dance with a lot of beautiful women; what could be better? And guess what? The Jarvis brothers showed up this time! They did a basketball tournament today and were pretty beat, but I guess they decided to come anyway last minute. T'was good to see them there! And yes, Christie was there, but she was a bit late. There were some really crazy dancers at that dance, it was so fun!
3/20 (Sunday)
Good Sunday. Got to spend some time at the Wright's house for some quiet time and helping Carmen with a bit of songwriting. There was a family fireside tonight held by gma and gpa about geneology. I got to learn some great things about our heritage. There are so many inspiring things to learn from the past.
3/14 (Monday)
I've been using a lot of my schoolwork time lately for two main projects which I have mentioned before: the Mark Twain Writing Style essay and the pro-Virtual School Speech. Doing this plus all of the other things I have on the list (track, scripture study, household chores, breaktime/socializing, piano, guitar, Eagle Project, etc...) has left me very little time for all of my other school assignments. But that's what Spring Break is for for me; to make up for all of that.
Tonight I had the privilege of seeing Haley Peters perform at the Treble Festival at South Medford High School. It's an annual event that is more or less a bunch of teenage women choirs performing all evening long. I got a ride there from Haley's grandparents. SMHS is a VERY new school; it just opened up this year. It looks more like a college, including huge green fields, expensive and fancy looking architecture, and a seriously jacked up choir room. It was amazing.
While looking for the choir room in the huge building, I happened to run into one of my friends from youth conference from last year: Christie Hunt! It was great to see her friendly face once again. Apparently she's giving track a try this year too; she's starting up with javelin throwing. The knowledge I obtained that she would be at the Central Point dance this coming Saturday solidified my intentions: I MUST find a ride!
The choirs mostly did okay, yet quite a few of the members seemed rather sloppy. Haley's grandpa is quite a singer himself; he treated us to his super-western-flavored "You Are My Sunshine" solo on the ride home.
3/15 (Tuesday)
Today I did a lot of future-research. More stuff about colleges and resume building and things like that, partially for my SAT Prep class. I got to do a bit more research/drafting on the Twain project as well. Today is our piano lesson day; I've been slacking in my piano study lately, I admit. I can and will be a better pianist! Even though I accomplished most of the things on my list today, I still was feeling a bit down on myself because I didn't accomplish ALL of the things on my list, when I feel like I could have. Tonight's temple trip helped me get out of my perfectionism again (it's one of those addictions that I have to overcome by relying on the Savior and having faith that I will be delivered from it. I guess all addictive behavior/bad habits/compulsive behavior is like that.)
At the temple tonight, I made sure I brought my notebook. Never go to the temple without a notebook; there is so much personal revelation that you can receive there that you may forget about (especially if you have a mind like mine). The information that I felt prompted to write down is going to be of great use to me as I try and plan out these next few weeks. I testify to whoever is reading this that God DOES hear your prayers, and will answer them if you listen for His answers.
3/16 (Wednesday)
Today I tried a new planning method suggested by Anthony. He said that I should try not only making a well prioritized list, but also to try to set them into my day time (example: 9-10 is for Government, 10-11 is for Geometry, etc.) And that seemed to work pretty well for me this morning.
Today was my very first track meet. It wasn't anything official, it was just a "practice" one we were doing with Rouge River to see what levels of strength we are all at in our different events. I've been loving track so far; it's been such hard work! Something good ought to come from all of this running. Today I only did the 800m run, and I was able to keep up with Annie (Ms. Super Runner) the whole race, and finished it off pretty well for a first timer! I'm excited to see how well I can beat my last time in our next meet. but I hope to be able to do the relay race and javelin throwing at our next meet. I think it'd be fun to give pole vault a try. At least just once; that looks way too fun to pass up.
3/17 (Thursday)
Today was ORCA Cares Day! I got to meet a bunch of students from around here, and Cassidy's family showed up too. We did some path restoration on one of my most favorite parks in town. There were a bunch of little kids there, but each of them were very enthusiastic about helping. It was so cute to see their little arms lifting adult-sized shovels to try to put a bit of the bark into wheelbarrows. Very precious. Watching children work brings such joy to my heart.
After track today I took a long nap. My body is feeling a bit fatigued.
3/18 (Friday)
Another school day and track.
3/19 (Saturday)
Today we drove around begging for donations from various businesses. We were able to get estimates for the prices for everything in my project, and everything is coming along very nicely. The most urgent thing I need to do now is find a lot of volunteers for the day-long car wash fundraiser that we're doing next Saturday. I'm very excited to get this done so I can start really focusing on school again.
There was a dance in Central Point tonight, which I went to. Noah S, Jaden P, and Jared P carpooled with my father and me while also helping pay for gas. It was a wonderful dance. They played a lot of fun music, and I got to dance with a lot of beautiful women; what could be better? And guess what? The Jarvis brothers showed up this time! They did a basketball tournament today and were pretty beat, but I guess they decided to come anyway last minute. T'was good to see them there! And yes, Christie was there, but she was a bit late. There were some really crazy dancers at that dance, it was so fun!
3/20 (Sunday)
Good Sunday. Got to spend some time at the Wright's house for some quiet time and helping Carmen with a bit of songwriting. There was a family fireside tonight held by gma and gpa about geneology. I got to learn some great things about our heritage. There are so many inspiring things to learn from the past.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
BIG Blog update
Okay, here we go.
2/28/11 (Monday)
Today was another school day + some new stuff. Last night I went to a family dinner over at my step-uncle's house. The Guerras are a really great family. While there, I got to spend some time chatting with my buddy Keith Campbell. One of the things we talked about was the upcoming track season, something I had been considering. That night I made the decision that I wanted to give it a try. So today I went and got a physical done at Dr. William's office. It went fine, except for a heart murmur that he heard. My heart swishes blood round inside before pumping it out now and then. He said it shouldn't be much of a problem, but I should go get an ultrasound for it just in case.
Later this evening Mikaela Hauck came over so we could practice our song for the choir concert. We chose Hey There Delilah, and it was very easy to practice. got to meet her mom too; she's a cool lady.
3/1/11 (Tuesday)
Frantic LL/mom works day. Like I promised, I spent a chunk of my morning recording a song that I had been practicing for Eden Worden's birthday. I think she really enjoyed it.
This afternoon my mother and I got out to Hidden Valley. After sorting through some paperwork, I went out to the field to join the distance runners. I've already memorized all of their first names! Taylor, Annie, Dakota, Hunter, Josh, Rachel, Sierra, Carly, and Devon. Coach Goodell is a fantastic coach. He's an old guy with a moustache and grey hair who speaks in a reliable, motivating tone. I'm going to really like working with this group.
After running a ton (which felt GREAT), I followed my cousins Anthony and Jefferson Jarvis into the high school's weight room. Those guys are the best weightlifting parters ever! They're both very motivating and dedicated; Anthony keeps everything light and full of laughter with his typical Anthony-humor. Both of them are throwers in the field; Jefferson is state-known for his discuss-throw. They then dropped me off at New Hope Market ("No Hope Market. Good luck getting home, Keenan." -Anthony) where mom picked me up later.
3/2/11 (Wednesday)
Today was a good day! Sure, I didn't get a huge amount of school done, but it was a good day nevertheless. I got to go to track again; feels great so far. This evening I stayed at the school after working out and walked over to the choir room. There Mikaela and a couple of people were hanging out. After playing some music on guitar and piano while socializing with a couple of my good friends from choir (Clark, Allison, Sam, Jeremy), the choir recital began. Mr. Lawson didn't let me perform with the rest; oh well. I still got to do the duet, which turned out nicely. And for the encore, two handfuls of the choir + me decided to sing Nelly Bly from last year, which was a lot of fun indeed. "Nelly Bly has a heart warm as a cup of tea, and bigger than a sweet potato... down in Tennessee!"
3/3/11 (Thursday)
Today was the beginning of the breakdown period. Schoolwork was done. Scripture study got done. Brother Johnson came over to bring back the review of my eagle scout project from the board. They called for a lot of things: legality, vandalism protection, maintenance, more specific things, measured diagrams, specific list of volunteers and specific list of doners. Also, they needed me to calculate how much exactly everything involving the project would cost and how I would meet all of the expenses. I admit it; I felt like giving up on the project and starting over with a new one at that point. But I came to realize that I needed to learn to accept this sort of thing. Accept rejection, improve your proposal, and then sent it in again. I can do this! I think I can I think I can...
3/4/11 (Friday)
Haha, today was very different from usual. I went to school with one of my best buddies Carmen Vadillo! I went over to the Wright's house at 7 this morning, and then went to Grants Pass High School as a guest for the day! It was a ton of fun; going to school for a vacation from school, whoo!
Anyways, we started by going to Carmen's Poetry of Rock class (I know, "that's a CLASS?"). I played Don't Be Like Romeo and Waiting for one of her assignments there. Later she told me she got a lot of extra credit for having me come and perform, which I am very happy for. After that class we went along to her World History class. I don't remember too well what it was about, but they were discussing the war-life and peace-time life of a well known Indian conqueror. Just as a side note, it surprises me that World History is a required class in the public schools, but American History is an elective. It really should be the other way around, I believe. At least that's how it is at ORCA.
Anyways, the next class was Spanish, if I remember right. It was WAY too easy for Carmen (she's from Spain; it was her first language!) I just smiled and pretended I knew what was going on throughout the class. The teacher there was teaching all of the kids a song in Spanish, which was pretty fun indeed. The teacher's a guitarist.
Next off was Geometry, which I really enjoyed. I didn't even know what the SIN and COS buttons were for before!
And finally before lunch, we wrapped it up with Chemistry, which was a blast! The main point of the lesson was endothermic and exothermic reactions, and the teacher did a real example of both of the reactions! Chemistry is so fun! I'm so excited for next year; I think I'll try Chemistry next year. Or maybe I'll do Physics. There's so much to learn in the sciences!
Then we went to lunch and played more guitar in the big cafeteria. After playing a bit more music and talking with many of my other friends from that school, mom came and picked me up. I know, it may've not gotten any schoolwork done, but I think it was worth my time. If I was in the city district, I think I would like to go to public school. I get kind of lonely here at home now and then, and public school doesn't seem so bad. That was only one day of it though; I'd probably have a more accurate hypothesis if I had spent a week or a month in the public school system. I don't know. Maybe I'll just wait 'till BYU to get out into the world. I don't really think there is anywhere else I would want to spend undergraduate school than there. Less drugs and beer, and more modest women (my wife will probably be somewhere in that swarm of LDS girls; that's always a plus, right?). Plus, the Philosophy/Psychology classes will actually be teaching CORRECT principles because Mormons are teaching them. Why would I want to go anywhere else? I think they have an AFROTC there, so I may have to choose the Air Force over my original idea of the Marine Reserve. I don't know; I really want to be on a reserve system, and the Air Force doesn't have one. I'd have to serve full time for a time, but I suppose it would be like another mission, right? I'll have to research my options for service a bit more.
This evening I went to a music party at Miranda's house. Fa, Carmen, Truli, Brittany, Sabrina, and Jessie showed up, but none of the guys did. Not too many musicians were there too, so we didn't really get any recording done. But we had a good time anyways. We played chess and pictionary. I got to duel Miranda on a pole with sticks! She won; I am out of practice when it comes to body balance!
3/5/11 (Saturday)
Today Brother Buckman and I went to a service project. Sister Bishop had a lot of garbage on her property, and a good group of the men in our ward came and took out 4 truckloads of it. Brother Buckman is an awesome guy; he was another veteran I got to interview. He gave a good review of his experience in the Navy.
This afternoon I did some intense planning for my Eagle Scout Project. I spent almost 4 hours trying to write up new ideas and plans. To raise money, I'll be holding a car wash on the 26th. I've got to make more calls, interview more people, get more information, then write it all up in a spiffy eagle project encased in a binder which I need to find somewhere. This experience I had today really burned me out; I felt mentally exausted. So I just crashed and spent some good leisure time on facebook for the rest of the evening.
3/6/11 (Sunday)
As it turns out, I injured my knee by overworking it in this first week of track. It became difficult to even walk today. Mom suggested I stay off of my feet and not go to church, and so I did. I tried to take a really long nap that day, but had a hard time feeling comfortable (Henry took my mattress again. Long story). Later today I decided to give Ceana a call, and that cheered me up a bit, as usual. But other than that, today was just a day of more Psych/scripture study and not much more.
3/7/11 (Monday)
Holy smokes. I got a lot done today.
Today I finally cracked down and called the CERT coordinator for Josephine County.As it turns out, Ernie is planning on doing another training course for new team members soon, and just needs to get more people on board. He put my name and number down, and will give me a call when he has the date down! It will be so fun. I feel like this training will not only help me to be better at emergency prep and community service, but it will help me become a bit more sharp and aware. "Son of man a man in time you'll be..."
Got a great amount of schoolwork done today; the two most scary assignments I'm trying to do are the Mark Twain 5-page essay and the Political Speech 4-pages. I tried to do a rough draft for the assignment on the writing style of Mark Twain, but I only had enough information to fill up 2 1/2 pages. This is going to mean a lot more research. I've been researching about the debate of whether virtual school should be an option for Oregon students, but I haven't gotten anything on paper yet. I might be able to yammer on about it for 4 minutes on improv, but I also need to turn in the paper + all of the MLA citations.
Hahaha! I could just hear myself say, "Once the Mark Twain Essay, the Politics Speech, and the Eagle Scout Project are done, THEN I'll be happy." Oh brother; time to change my way of thinking, right?
"If I were any better RIGHT NOW, I'd be twins!" Man up!
Besides, I totally love all three of these projects. All of them are simply going to take a lot of hard work, that's all. The more I do this sort of thing, the better I'll be able to bear hard work. Mark Twain is a funny guy. It's a shame he didn't care for the Mormons when he gave Salt Lake City a visit. He really needed the gospel in his life. I'll just share a few of my personal favorite quotes by him:
Patriotism: "You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its office holders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from Winter, disease, and death. To be loyal to rags, to shout for rags, to worship rags, to die for rages - that is loyalty to unreason; it is pure animal; it belongs to monarchy, was invented by monarchy; let monarchy keep it."
Work management: "If you have to eat two frogs, eat the bigger one first."
Optimism: "There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist."
Love: "Wheresoever she was, THERE was Eden."
3/8/11 (Tuesday)
More school... more errand running with mom... more track... knee still trying to heal... more psych study... another piano lesson...
3/9/11 (Wednesday)
Today was crazy. That's all I feel like saying; too much inecessary and exausting information.
3/10-11/11 (Thursday and Friday)
Today I went to the first official ORCA assembly. It was concerning the ORCA Cares Day on March 17. Students all over the state have organized service projects for everyone to go to. Down here in Southern Oregon, I've set up a park path restoration for my most favorite park in town. It's going to be great, and I'm excited to meet all of the students that will come!
I notice that my personal studies are really getting in the way of everything else in my life. I need to make that a smaller part of my day so I can spend more time on school and family. I really need to work on strengthening my family relationships particularly
Today I improvised a plan to save my parents money! The plan was that I would go to track, then go back to the Jarvis' house with the guys. While there, I'd plan with grandpa more stuff about the Eagle Project, while thinking up ideas for tomorrow. Then I would stay over at grandma's house, then go to seminary with Anthony and Jefferson in the morning. Then I'd come back, and we'd record our St. Patrick's Day video (that's right folks. We're making a music video for every holiday this year! Mwahahaha!). Then I'd go to track again with the guys and then go back and then mom would pick me up after taking Julie back from Henry's birthday party. That wasn't the original idea, but that was how it all turned out! Jefferson let me borrow a fingerpicking book for guitar; I'm so glad! Now I've got some guitar material that I did not just find for free online! The songs that are in this book that I want to master are Piano Man (Billy Joel), Leader of the Band (Dan Fogelburg) Love theme from Titanic (My Heart will Go On) (DON'T WATCH THAT MOVIE. I never did, but I know of it. I've heard the love theme by Celine Dion though, and it sounds nice.), Can You Feel The Love Tonight from the Lion King, and Let It Be by the Beatles. Jefferson is an amazing guitarist and pianist, but he won't admit it, the humble guy.
3/12/11 (Saturday)
I got to do another service project today! Brother Rudd picked me up, and we drove to a big house in the middle of nowhere to fill it with a new family's stuff. I feel so ashamed, I don't even remember their name! They have three young boys between the ages of 9 and 3. And there's a grandma too. I had a good time doing the work, which took quite awhile. Near the end of doing the second load of the big moving van, the work was getting a bit boring to me, which can only mean one thing: START SINGING AS LOUD AS YOU CAN! Then the work became fun again. I had a good laugh with Jessie Rudd who was also there about surprises. She found the long and dramatic story about "The Thanksgiving Surprise" from last year rather interesting. We've got a new inside joke about brother Buckman. One of the men working there was thinking of taking all of the shelves out of a dresser that we were moving before getting it in the house. All brother Buckman said was, "Well, we put it in here with all of the shelves. Just buck up and lift!" And then the guy grumbled, "You hear that from a guy with "buck" in his name." Ah, it's the sort of thing that sounds stupid in writing, but funny if you were actually there. Why do I find the smallest things hilarious that would seem insignificant to anyone else? I don't know, I don't care. TRUE TO MY VALUES! One of them is Laughter, and no one will stop me again from laughing when I find something funny and appropriate to laugh at.
Sorry, feeling a bit philosophical today.
After wrapping up that service project I went home and crashed. I felt really really hyper. I felt just a bit slap-happy after a really stressful week. It was the climax of "breakdown week". I played airsoft war with Henry and had a great bonding experience with him. I almost wrapped up the 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management. That book has been so so helpful to me; it really has been a message from God. It's almost like a handbook for the Franklin Planner. HA, I still remember Preston Baxter's joke about my new planner (I know, another sounds-stupid-on-paper thing), "Franklin is missing his planner!"
Tonight I got a ride from Sister Wright to a dance in Medford! Fa and Miranda got to come along as well to the 80's themed event. It was just what I needed to unwind, I'm so glad I went. I got to meet new people and also meet some familiar faces from youth conference. I even persuaded one of my newfound friends with crazy poofy 80's hair (her name was Emily) to start a great big conga line! Also that night, I got to meet two dance junkies while all of the real men were out of the cultural hall waiting for Baby by Justin Bieber to stop. Shane and Brent are two crazy dancers too, just like me! I love meeting people who share my beliefs on how a body should behave on the dance floor. I've seen these two zealots do their thing before, but I had never personally met them till then. Another thing that made the dance rather special was that there were a bunch of guys with JROTC uniforms all over the place. I think they were supposed to be doing security work, but I saw a couple of them busting a move now and then. It was great. And lastly, always my favorite, there were tons of beautiful young women there. Why do you think I go to these things in the first place?
3/13/11 (Sunday)
And now for today. Today we all forgot it was daylight saving time, so our family missed sacrament meeting! I decided to skip Priesthood so I could go to sacrament meeting in another ward; I'm not going to try to live for more than 2 weeks without the sacrament. I went to Brother Hancock's Sunday School class today, which was pretty good! It all was because of a change in my way of thinking. Last night I was talking to Fa about the class, and she said that she really liked it. That surprised me. So, I've decided to try something new: look for the good things in Brother Hancock's methods. Now his classes are great!
I love this way of thinking, I think I'm going to have to give it a try on a lot of things. Mwahahaha! Let's rule the world.
2/28/11 (Monday)
Today was another school day + some new stuff. Last night I went to a family dinner over at my step-uncle's house. The Guerras are a really great family. While there, I got to spend some time chatting with my buddy Keith Campbell. One of the things we talked about was the upcoming track season, something I had been considering. That night I made the decision that I wanted to give it a try. So today I went and got a physical done at Dr. William's office. It went fine, except for a heart murmur that he heard. My heart swishes blood round inside before pumping it out now and then. He said it shouldn't be much of a problem, but I should go get an ultrasound for it just in case.
Later this evening Mikaela Hauck came over so we could practice our song for the choir concert. We chose Hey There Delilah, and it was very easy to practice. got to meet her mom too; she's a cool lady.
3/1/11 (Tuesday)
Frantic LL/mom works day. Like I promised, I spent a chunk of my morning recording a song that I had been practicing for Eden Worden's birthday. I think she really enjoyed it.
This afternoon my mother and I got out to Hidden Valley. After sorting through some paperwork, I went out to the field to join the distance runners. I've already memorized all of their first names! Taylor, Annie, Dakota, Hunter, Josh, Rachel, Sierra, Carly, and Devon. Coach Goodell is a fantastic coach. He's an old guy with a moustache and grey hair who speaks in a reliable, motivating tone. I'm going to really like working with this group.
After running a ton (which felt GREAT), I followed my cousins Anthony and Jefferson Jarvis into the high school's weight room. Those guys are the best weightlifting parters ever! They're both very motivating and dedicated; Anthony keeps everything light and full of laughter with his typical Anthony-humor. Both of them are throwers in the field; Jefferson is state-known for his discuss-throw. They then dropped me off at New Hope Market ("No Hope Market. Good luck getting home, Keenan." -Anthony) where mom picked me up later.
3/2/11 (Wednesday)
Today was a good day! Sure, I didn't get a huge amount of school done, but it was a good day nevertheless. I got to go to track again; feels great so far. This evening I stayed at the school after working out and walked over to the choir room. There Mikaela and a couple of people were hanging out. After playing some music on guitar and piano while socializing with a couple of my good friends from choir (Clark, Allison, Sam, Jeremy), the choir recital began. Mr. Lawson didn't let me perform with the rest; oh well. I still got to do the duet, which turned out nicely. And for the encore, two handfuls of the choir + me decided to sing Nelly Bly from last year, which was a lot of fun indeed. "Nelly Bly has a heart warm as a cup of tea, and bigger than a sweet potato... down in Tennessee!"
3/3/11 (Thursday)
Today was the beginning of the breakdown period. Schoolwork was done. Scripture study got done. Brother Johnson came over to bring back the review of my eagle scout project from the board. They called for a lot of things: legality, vandalism protection, maintenance, more specific things, measured diagrams, specific list of volunteers and specific list of doners. Also, they needed me to calculate how much exactly everything involving the project would cost and how I would meet all of the expenses. I admit it; I felt like giving up on the project and starting over with a new one at that point. But I came to realize that I needed to learn to accept this sort of thing. Accept rejection, improve your proposal, and then sent it in again. I can do this! I think I can I think I can...
3/4/11 (Friday)
Haha, today was very different from usual. I went to school with one of my best buddies Carmen Vadillo! I went over to the Wright's house at 7 this morning, and then went to Grants Pass High School as a guest for the day! It was a ton of fun; going to school for a vacation from school, whoo!
Anyways, we started by going to Carmen's Poetry of Rock class (I know, "that's a CLASS?"). I played Don't Be Like Romeo and Waiting for one of her assignments there. Later she told me she got a lot of extra credit for having me come and perform, which I am very happy for. After that class we went along to her World History class. I don't remember too well what it was about, but they were discussing the war-life and peace-time life of a well known Indian conqueror. Just as a side note, it surprises me that World History is a required class in the public schools, but American History is an elective. It really should be the other way around, I believe. At least that's how it is at ORCA.
Anyways, the next class was Spanish, if I remember right. It was WAY too easy for Carmen (she's from Spain; it was her first language!) I just smiled and pretended I knew what was going on throughout the class. The teacher there was teaching all of the kids a song in Spanish, which was pretty fun indeed. The teacher's a guitarist.
Next off was Geometry, which I really enjoyed. I didn't even know what the SIN and COS buttons were for before!
And finally before lunch, we wrapped it up with Chemistry, which was a blast! The main point of the lesson was endothermic and exothermic reactions, and the teacher did a real example of both of the reactions! Chemistry is so fun! I'm so excited for next year; I think I'll try Chemistry next year. Or maybe I'll do Physics. There's so much to learn in the sciences!
Then we went to lunch and played more guitar in the big cafeteria. After playing a bit more music and talking with many of my other friends from that school, mom came and picked me up. I know, it may've not gotten any schoolwork done, but I think it was worth my time. If I was in the city district, I think I would like to go to public school. I get kind of lonely here at home now and then, and public school doesn't seem so bad. That was only one day of it though; I'd probably have a more accurate hypothesis if I had spent a week or a month in the public school system. I don't know. Maybe I'll just wait 'till BYU to get out into the world. I don't really think there is anywhere else I would want to spend undergraduate school than there. Less drugs and beer, and more modest women (my wife will probably be somewhere in that swarm of LDS girls; that's always a plus, right?). Plus, the Philosophy/Psychology classes will actually be teaching CORRECT principles because Mormons are teaching them. Why would I want to go anywhere else? I think they have an AFROTC there, so I may have to choose the Air Force over my original idea of the Marine Reserve. I don't know; I really want to be on a reserve system, and the Air Force doesn't have one. I'd have to serve full time for a time, but I suppose it would be like another mission, right? I'll have to research my options for service a bit more.
This evening I went to a music party at Miranda's house. Fa, Carmen, Truli, Brittany, Sabrina, and Jessie showed up, but none of the guys did. Not too many musicians were there too, so we didn't really get any recording done. But we had a good time anyways. We played chess and pictionary. I got to duel Miranda on a pole with sticks! She won; I am out of practice when it comes to body balance!
3/5/11 (Saturday)
Today Brother Buckman and I went to a service project. Sister Bishop had a lot of garbage on her property, and a good group of the men in our ward came and took out 4 truckloads of it. Brother Buckman is an awesome guy; he was another veteran I got to interview. He gave a good review of his experience in the Navy.
This afternoon I did some intense planning for my Eagle Scout Project. I spent almost 4 hours trying to write up new ideas and plans. To raise money, I'll be holding a car wash on the 26th. I've got to make more calls, interview more people, get more information, then write it all up in a spiffy eagle project encased in a binder which I need to find somewhere. This experience I had today really burned me out; I felt mentally exausted. So I just crashed and spent some good leisure time on facebook for the rest of the evening.
3/6/11 (Sunday)
As it turns out, I injured my knee by overworking it in this first week of track. It became difficult to even walk today. Mom suggested I stay off of my feet and not go to church, and so I did. I tried to take a really long nap that day, but had a hard time feeling comfortable (Henry took my mattress again. Long story). Later today I decided to give Ceana a call, and that cheered me up a bit, as usual. But other than that, today was just a day of more Psych/scripture study and not much more.
3/7/11 (Monday)
Holy smokes. I got a lot done today.
Today I finally cracked down and called the CERT coordinator for Josephine County.As it turns out, Ernie is planning on doing another training course for new team members soon, and just needs to get more people on board. He put my name and number down, and will give me a call when he has the date down! It will be so fun. I feel like this training will not only help me to be better at emergency prep and community service, but it will help me become a bit more sharp and aware. "Son of man a man in time you'll be..."
Got a great amount of schoolwork done today; the two most scary assignments I'm trying to do are the Mark Twain 5-page essay and the Political Speech 4-pages. I tried to do a rough draft for the assignment on the writing style of Mark Twain, but I only had enough information to fill up 2 1/2 pages. This is going to mean a lot more research. I've been researching about the debate of whether virtual school should be an option for Oregon students, but I haven't gotten anything on paper yet. I might be able to yammer on about it for 4 minutes on improv, but I also need to turn in the paper + all of the MLA citations.
Hahaha! I could just hear myself say, "Once the Mark Twain Essay, the Politics Speech, and the Eagle Scout Project are done, THEN I'll be happy." Oh brother; time to change my way of thinking, right?
"If I were any better RIGHT NOW, I'd be twins!" Man up!
Besides, I totally love all three of these projects. All of them are simply going to take a lot of hard work, that's all. The more I do this sort of thing, the better I'll be able to bear hard work. Mark Twain is a funny guy. It's a shame he didn't care for the Mormons when he gave Salt Lake City a visit. He really needed the gospel in his life. I'll just share a few of my personal favorite quotes by him:
Patriotism: "You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its office holders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from Winter, disease, and death. To be loyal to rags, to shout for rags, to worship rags, to die for rages - that is loyalty to unreason; it is pure animal; it belongs to monarchy, was invented by monarchy; let monarchy keep it."
Work management: "If you have to eat two frogs, eat the bigger one first."
Optimism: "There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist."
Love: "Wheresoever she was, THERE was Eden."
3/8/11 (Tuesday)
More school... more errand running with mom... more track... knee still trying to heal... more psych study... another piano lesson...
3/9/11 (Wednesday)
Today was crazy. That's all I feel like saying; too much inecessary and exausting information.
3/10-11/11 (Thursday and Friday)
Today I went to the first official ORCA assembly. It was concerning the ORCA Cares Day on March 17. Students all over the state have organized service projects for everyone to go to. Down here in Southern Oregon, I've set up a park path restoration for my most favorite park in town. It's going to be great, and I'm excited to meet all of the students that will come!
I notice that my personal studies are really getting in the way of everything else in my life. I need to make that a smaller part of my day so I can spend more time on school and family. I really need to work on strengthening my family relationships particularly
Today I improvised a plan to save my parents money! The plan was that I would go to track, then go back to the Jarvis' house with the guys. While there, I'd plan with grandpa more stuff about the Eagle Project, while thinking up ideas for tomorrow. Then I would stay over at grandma's house, then go to seminary with Anthony and Jefferson in the morning. Then I'd come back, and we'd record our St. Patrick's Day video (that's right folks. We're making a music video for every holiday this year! Mwahahaha!). Then I'd go to track again with the guys and then go back and then mom would pick me up after taking Julie back from Henry's birthday party. That wasn't the original idea, but that was how it all turned out! Jefferson let me borrow a fingerpicking book for guitar; I'm so glad! Now I've got some guitar material that I did not just find for free online! The songs that are in this book that I want to master are Piano Man (Billy Joel), Leader of the Band (Dan Fogelburg) Love theme from Titanic (My Heart will Go On) (DON'T WATCH THAT MOVIE. I never did, but I know of it. I've heard the love theme by Celine Dion though, and it sounds nice.), Can You Feel The Love Tonight from the Lion King, and Let It Be by the Beatles. Jefferson is an amazing guitarist and pianist, but he won't admit it, the humble guy.
3/12/11 (Saturday)
I got to do another service project today! Brother Rudd picked me up, and we drove to a big house in the middle of nowhere to fill it with a new family's stuff. I feel so ashamed, I don't even remember their name! They have three young boys between the ages of 9 and 3. And there's a grandma too. I had a good time doing the work, which took quite awhile. Near the end of doing the second load of the big moving van, the work was getting a bit boring to me, which can only mean one thing: START SINGING AS LOUD AS YOU CAN! Then the work became fun again. I had a good laugh with Jessie Rudd who was also there about surprises. She found the long and dramatic story about "The Thanksgiving Surprise" from last year rather interesting. We've got a new inside joke about brother Buckman. One of the men working there was thinking of taking all of the shelves out of a dresser that we were moving before getting it in the house. All brother Buckman said was, "Well, we put it in here with all of the shelves. Just buck up and lift!" And then the guy grumbled, "You hear that from a guy with "buck" in his name." Ah, it's the sort of thing that sounds stupid in writing, but funny if you were actually there. Why do I find the smallest things hilarious that would seem insignificant to anyone else? I don't know, I don't care. TRUE TO MY VALUES! One of them is Laughter, and no one will stop me again from laughing when I find something funny and appropriate to laugh at.
Sorry, feeling a bit philosophical today.
After wrapping up that service project I went home and crashed. I felt really really hyper. I felt just a bit slap-happy after a really stressful week. It was the climax of "breakdown week". I played airsoft war with Henry and had a great bonding experience with him. I almost wrapped up the 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management. That book has been so so helpful to me; it really has been a message from God. It's almost like a handbook for the Franklin Planner. HA, I still remember Preston Baxter's joke about my new planner (I know, another sounds-stupid-on-paper thing), "Franklin is missing his planner!"
Tonight I got a ride from Sister Wright to a dance in Medford! Fa and Miranda got to come along as well to the 80's themed event. It was just what I needed to unwind, I'm so glad I went. I got to meet new people and also meet some familiar faces from youth conference. I even persuaded one of my newfound friends with crazy poofy 80's hair (her name was Emily) to start a great big conga line! Also that night, I got to meet two dance junkies while all of the real men were out of the cultural hall waiting for Baby by Justin Bieber to stop. Shane and Brent are two crazy dancers too, just like me! I love meeting people who share my beliefs on how a body should behave on the dance floor. I've seen these two zealots do their thing before, but I had never personally met them till then. Another thing that made the dance rather special was that there were a bunch of guys with JROTC uniforms all over the place. I think they were supposed to be doing security work, but I saw a couple of them busting a move now and then. It was great. And lastly, always my favorite, there were tons of beautiful young women there. Why do you think I go to these things in the first place?
3/13/11 (Sunday)
And now for today. Today we all forgot it was daylight saving time, so our family missed sacrament meeting! I decided to skip Priesthood so I could go to sacrament meeting in another ward; I'm not going to try to live for more than 2 weeks without the sacrament. I went to Brother Hancock's Sunday School class today, which was pretty good! It all was because of a change in my way of thinking. Last night I was talking to Fa about the class, and she said that she really liked it. That surprised me. So, I've decided to try something new: look for the good things in Brother Hancock's methods. Now his classes are great!
I love this way of thinking, I think I'm going to have to give it a try on a lot of things. Mwahahaha! Let's rule the world.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'm Free
(warning: this is an extremely deep and personal blog post)
I am free.
I've been studying the Book of Mormon with Sister Harrison's study guide "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" all weekend long. That Saturday I was feeling very sad, and I'll explain why in a minute. I realize that I have been attempting to strive for perfectionism: a noble thing to try to aspire to, right?
Wrong.
Just like Javert from Les Miserables, I had been treating myself coldly and harshly, covering up sins from the past and telling myself to work work work, for that was the only way I would be able to survive or ever aspire to my dreams. I was expecting nothing but perfection and to-the-law-living from myself. I realize now, that you cannot hide the past. You cannot change the direction you are moving in by driving faster. I needed to back up, take in an inventory of my life to the present, and have it all 100% cleaned out with the help of my Savior, mother, and bishop. It is time to clean out the back of the shop; that no more darkness be in me.
And so I wrote down everything I could remember, from bullying my classmates in elementary school to my current obsessive-compulsive behaviors. I did not only record my sins; I recorded every negative experience that I could still remember of which I still felt resentment. Throughout my younger years at public school, I always felt an internal hatred to everyone else because no one would be my friend (with the exception of that one kind young lady, Jody Foster, who had pity on my false state of mind for who-knows-why). I felt resentment to all of them, teachers and parents included. Little did I realize that it was I who chose to be such an unpleasant little boy to be around. I didn't understand my world at all, and was in hell.
It has been said that people crave what they lack. That is definitely true in my famine of friendship. About a year ago, a new person came into my life, I'll call her Irene. Through her writing, I could see that she had been trained excellently in the art of friendship all of her life, and was willing to show kindness to me.
My mind grasped this truth, and has since been obsessive with it for the past year. Though I only received words and actions of kindness from this amazing young woman, I continued to stab myself with new daggers of fear. "What if she finds out you really are a despicable person and never talks to you again?" "What if someone else catches her interest and then she forgets about you?" "What if you have to lose her friendship someday? What will you do then?"
I knew in my heart that these questions were not of God, but I could not seem to find a way to stop thinking them. I was in a spiritual cage, forged by yours truly.
Now that I've allowed Christ to unlock the door to my heart and begin the healing process, I have found a higher way of thinking. My fear is gone because Irene is no longer the center of my life. Jesus Christ is now, and I am freed from my selfishness. I know now that Irene will be one of my best friends for time and all eternity, regardless of what the future has in store.
I know that I will never be perfect, so why put myself down and fill my mind with fear when I don't follow through? The fact is that I am not really very righteous at all, and have to partake of the Atonement just as much as the most foul, sick sinner must in order to be saved. I quote Harrison:
"To admit no need of repentance to one another, to thus promote a program of perfectionism to one another, instead of promoting Christ's gospel of repentance, is seriously near an anti-Christ position. We, of all people, should desire never to give this impression to each other." (p. 77)
Instead of pursuing worldly desires (such as appearing impressive to my new found friends), I now strive to do what God expects me to do for the right reason. Not to win other's hearts, not for approval, not to beat others, not for money, not for survival. All I do, I do for my Lord, and every mistake I make in striving to achieve His will is swallowed up in my Savior's Atonement. I have nothing to hide from Him; he can and will fix all of my sins.
I am free.
I am free.
I've been studying the Book of Mormon with Sister Harrison's study guide "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" all weekend long. That Saturday I was feeling very sad, and I'll explain why in a minute. I realize that I have been attempting to strive for perfectionism: a noble thing to try to aspire to, right?
Wrong.
Just like Javert from Les Miserables, I had been treating myself coldly and harshly, covering up sins from the past and telling myself to work work work, for that was the only way I would be able to survive or ever aspire to my dreams. I was expecting nothing but perfection and to-the-law-living from myself. I realize now, that you cannot hide the past. You cannot change the direction you are moving in by driving faster. I needed to back up, take in an inventory of my life to the present, and have it all 100% cleaned out with the help of my Savior, mother, and bishop. It is time to clean out the back of the shop; that no more darkness be in me.
And so I wrote down everything I could remember, from bullying my classmates in elementary school to my current obsessive-compulsive behaviors. I did not only record my sins; I recorded every negative experience that I could still remember of which I still felt resentment. Throughout my younger years at public school, I always felt an internal hatred to everyone else because no one would be my friend (with the exception of that one kind young lady, Jody Foster, who had pity on my false state of mind for who-knows-why). I felt resentment to all of them, teachers and parents included. Little did I realize that it was I who chose to be such an unpleasant little boy to be around. I didn't understand my world at all, and was in hell.
It has been said that people crave what they lack. That is definitely true in my famine of friendship. About a year ago, a new person came into my life, I'll call her Irene. Through her writing, I could see that she had been trained excellently in the art of friendship all of her life, and was willing to show kindness to me.
My mind grasped this truth, and has since been obsessive with it for the past year. Though I only received words and actions of kindness from this amazing young woman, I continued to stab myself with new daggers of fear. "What if she finds out you really are a despicable person and never talks to you again?" "What if someone else catches her interest and then she forgets about you?" "What if you have to lose her friendship someday? What will you do then?"
I knew in my heart that these questions were not of God, but I could not seem to find a way to stop thinking them. I was in a spiritual cage, forged by yours truly.
Now that I've allowed Christ to unlock the door to my heart and begin the healing process, I have found a higher way of thinking. My fear is gone because Irene is no longer the center of my life. Jesus Christ is now, and I am freed from my selfishness. I know now that Irene will be one of my best friends for time and all eternity, regardless of what the future has in store.
I know that I will never be perfect, so why put myself down and fill my mind with fear when I don't follow through? The fact is that I am not really very righteous at all, and have to partake of the Atonement just as much as the most foul, sick sinner must in order to be saved. I quote Harrison:
"To admit no need of repentance to one another, to thus promote a program of perfectionism to one another, instead of promoting Christ's gospel of repentance, is seriously near an anti-Christ position. We, of all people, should desire never to give this impression to each other." (p. 77)
Instead of pursuing worldly desires (such as appearing impressive to my new found friends), I now strive to do what God expects me to do for the right reason. Not to win other's hearts, not for approval, not to beat others, not for money, not for survival. All I do, I do for my Lord, and every mistake I make in striving to achieve His will is swallowed up in my Savior's Atonement. I have nothing to hide from Him; he can and will fix all of my sins.
I am free.
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