I'm Free

(warning: this is an extremely deep and personal blog post)

I am free.

I've been studying the Book of Mormon with Sister Harrison's study guide "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" all weekend long. That Saturday I was feeling very sad, and I'll explain why in a minute. I realize that I have been attempting to strive for perfectionism: a noble thing to try to aspire to, right?

Wrong.

Just like Javert from Les Miserables, I had been treating myself coldly and harshly, covering up sins from the past and telling myself to work work work, for that was the only way I would be able to survive or ever aspire to my dreams. I was expecting nothing but perfection and to-the-law-living from myself. I realize now, that you cannot hide the past. You cannot change the direction you are moving in by driving faster. I needed to back up, take in an inventory of my life to the present, and have it all 100% cleaned out with the help of my Savior, mother, and bishop. It is time to clean out the back of the shop; that no more darkness be in me.

And so I wrote down everything I could remember, from bullying my classmates in elementary school to my current obsessive-compulsive behaviors. I did not only record my sins; I recorded every negative experience that I could still remember of which I still felt resentment. Throughout my younger years at public school, I always felt an internal hatred to everyone else because no one would be my friend (with the exception of that one kind young lady, Jody Foster, who had pity on my false state of mind for who-knows-why). I felt resentment to all of them, teachers and parents included. Little did I realize that it was I who chose to be such an unpleasant little boy to be around. I didn't understand my world at all, and was in hell.

It has been said that people crave what they lack. That is definitely true in my famine of friendship. About a year ago, a new person came into my life, I'll call her Irene. Through her writing, I could see that she had been trained excellently in the art of friendship all of her life, and was willing to show kindness to me.

My mind grasped this truth, and has since been obsessive with it for the past year. Though I only received words and actions of kindness from this amazing young woman, I continued to stab myself with new daggers of fear. "What if she finds out you really are a despicable person and never talks to you again?" "What if someone else catches her interest and then she forgets about you?" "What if you have to lose her friendship someday? What will you do then?"

I knew in my heart that these questions were not of God, but I could not seem to find a way to stop thinking them. I was in a spiritual cage, forged by yours truly.

Now that I've allowed Christ to unlock the door to my heart and begin the healing process, I have found a higher way of thinking. My fear is gone because Irene is no longer the center of my life. Jesus Christ is now, and I am freed from my selfishness. I know now that Irene will be one of my best friends for time and all eternity, regardless of what the future has in store.

I know that I will never be perfect, so why put myself down and fill my mind with fear when I don't follow through? The fact is that I am not really very righteous at all, and have to partake of the Atonement just as much as the most foul, sick sinner must in order to be saved. I quote Harrison:

"To admit no need of repentance to one another, to thus promote a program of perfectionism to one another, instead of promoting Christ's gospel of repentance, is seriously near an anti-Christ position. We, of all people, should desire never to give this impression to each other." (p. 77)

Instead of pursuing worldly desires (such as appearing impressive to my new found friends), I now strive to do what God expects me to do for the right reason. Not to win other's hearts, not for approval, not to beat others, not for money, not for survival. All I do, I do for my Lord, and every mistake I make in striving to achieve His will is swallowed up in my Savior's Atonement. I have nothing to hide from Him; he can and will fix all of my sins.

I am free.